why do we avoid
getting the help we need?
There are so many reasons why people put off getting the support they need to heal, grow and move forward. Here are the most common ones I hear:
“I fear that if I let the tears come, I might drown in my grief.”
“Others have it so much worse than I do, I don’t have the right to complain about my struggles. I can manage it without help.”
“I am ashamed of where I’m at and the thought of exposing my mess to someone else sounds embarrassing. Better to keep it hidden where no one else can see how miserable, stuck, lonely, or lost I feel.”
“My life is fine and functional the way it is. No need to bring up old stuff.”
“I can do it alone, I don’t need help. I don’t want to burden anyone.”
“I’ve tried to work through it on my own and I’ve already gotten as far as I will ever get. No use in wasting more time or money.”
“I don’t have the time to fall apart right now.”
As valid as these reasons may feel, they are born from fear and are not an expression of our highest most wisest Self. When fear holds us back, we stay stuck.
What’s so scary about doing healing work?
Let’s normalize that it’s very natural to resist change. We humans have a familiarity bias that keeps us in our comfort zone (even if we are suffering in there). Regardless of how uncomfortable you are in your life, there’s a familiarity to it that feels secure. Gambling that security for the possibility of something different is a risk that is scary for many of us. However, while there are no guarantees in this life, change will not happen unless we are willing to take the leap and reach for something fuller, freer and more fulfilling in our lives.
Doing healing work can feel daunting when we don’t know what’s ahead in the journey. Here are a few guideposts to give you a sense of the terrain:
1. Yes, it’s going to be uncomfortable at times, and might even feel scary in moments… but not all of the time. There will be relief, validation, breakthroughs, and potentially some good humor mixed in there, too. Don’t let the threat of discomfort hold you hostage against your own liberation and growth.
2. Things will likely appear to get worse before they get better, but remember, appearances can be deceiving. Things might feel worse only because you’ve “turned all the lights on” in your “house” and now you can see all the unresolved pains and limiting beliefs that have been hiding in your shadows and causing trouble. To see our material with our full conscious attention and to examine how our past wounding is impacting our present day experiences can feel overwhelming at first! But this shock is temporary and wears off in time as you adapt to living with “the lights on.” At some point you will reach a moment when you look back and wonder how you ever tolerated living with your blindspots and all of the behaviors you developed to compensate for your unconsciousness. Freedom - and the effort it takes to get there - will eventually feel like home to you.
3. Healing work and personal growth is 100% worth it 100% of the time. I’ve never heard anyone regret the effort they put into their growth. If you find any resistance to this statement, get curious about which part of you is fearful of the transformation that growth brings (hint: it’s not your higher, most wise self that is trembling).
WHAT IS INNER WORK ALL ABOUT?
Inner work is about developing the capacity to be with the bumps, the fear, or the upset and not freeze or collapse from the bigness of life. It’s about choosing to stay open and present with whatever is arising when fear wants us to close up and look elsewhere.
It’s about repairing our relationships to Self and others. It’s about opening ourselves up to the possibility of newer, healthier, safer and more fulfilling connections.
It’s about cultivating the capacity to feel it all while knowing that through feeling it all we will be better off than when we employ our protective tactics to shield ourselves from uncomfortable feelings and difficult truths.
It’s about examining how our past experiences, traumas and wounds are still affecting our present-day life and then doing the necessary healing work at the root level to free ourselves of these past and troublesome influences.
It’s about laying down a foundation of healthy and mature skills so you can be successful most of the time, while having compassion toward Self when you occasionally miss the mark.
It’s also about increasing our capacity for joy and rest so that we can resource ourselves in these positive sensations and cultivate more resilience when the next challenge arrives.
And one day after you’ve committed to your growth and started to feel the lightness that comes with being liberated from your old patterns and beliefs, you’ll look back and think “I wish I had done this sooner.”
What happens when we do the work?
We become less fragile, less triggered, more at peace, more in control of our responses to life, more proud of the choices we make because we’re making them from grounded self-awareness instead of fear-based reactivity.
We do the work because it improves all of our relationships, it increases our sense of dignity and self respect, it empowers us to make better decisions, and it equips us to face life without our elaborate and outdated strategies and armor.
We do the work because we are tired of feeling like a victim without a sense of agency to affect the direction of our lives.
We do the work because we reach a point where it becomes too painful not to.
is transformative Counseling WORTH THE MONEY?
Acknowledging that sometimes life will challenge you to the point of needing help doesn’t mean you’re a failure of a human. As love coach Annie Lalla puts it, even Olympic athletes who are the top of their game need coaches, what makes us think that we can get through life without skillful support and guidance every now and again?
If we were to value counseling sessions individually, those first sessions would be worth a fraction of the rate - these are basically intake sessions where client and practitioner are getting to know one another and very rarely do major transformations take place. The practitioner needs time to learn you. And you need to feel safe and trusting enough in order to be vulnerable and open up the deeper layers of your being. This all takes time.
But in the 3rd, 5th or 8th session when an incredible breakthrough occurs and deep, lasting healing takes place - that session is priceless. The sessions where you finally feel safe enough to touch your grief, name your repressed truth, thaw out your numbness, face an old pain you had no idea was causing so much trouble, where you break a lifelong habit - those sessions, in my humble opinion, are worth all the investment you’ve made thus far. And these breakthroughs are a cumulative result of the important foundational work you put in into those early sessions.
If you’re struggling with the cost of therapy consider for a moment if you could put a price tag on mental and emotional wellness. What would you pay in order to feel more skilled in relationships and be able to call in a healthy, loving, stable partnership? What would you pay to not be haunted by your trauma anymore? What would you pay to break a lifelong crippling mindset and begin to live your life with courage and confidence? What would you pay to feel free in your mind, body and heart? Just as someone who chooses to eat healthily sees it as an investment in their present and future wellness, I recommend seeing the cost of counseling as an investment into your well-being - an investment that will ripple out with positive impact throughout all the corners of your life.
TRANSFORMATION REQUIRES ACTIVE PARTICIPATION
No one can do the work for you, nor can anyone out there “fix” your problems. But a skillful facilitator and mentor can guide you in the dark, supporting your process with various methods and tools, and can hold your hand while you take brave steps in a new direction. Contrary to the paradigm of healthcare in western society, I hold the belief that the client is responsible for their progress, and counselors, coaches and therapists serve as contracted assistants on one’s path of self-study. A practitioner can only meet you where you are willing to go and cannot do more of the work than you are willing to do yourself.
Transformation requires a combination of active participation, persistence, courage, patience, trust and a willingness to feel difficult feelings. The clients that bring these qualities to the work will undoubtedly feel a lightening after their first session and a powerful transformation after a series of sessions.
Bring your A-game to the work. Bring your readiness to look into the places you’ve neglected and feel the feelings you’ve avoided. That’s really all it takes to get started and heading in the right direction. The rest unfolds on its own if you’ve set yourself up with supportive resources, skill-building practices and trained professionals to guide you along the way.