Dear ones,
I won’t lie. I’ve had one hell of a year.
I described it on the phone to an old friend recently as feeling like I finally broke for the first time in my life. I endured heartbreak after heartbreak (of all different kinds, but more on that in another newsletter). I felt changed in ways that made me uncomfortable. I couldn’t dust myself off and carry on like I used to. My usual ways of coping with crisis failed me. I was at the bottom of the well of grief.
On that phone call, my friend asked me, “Why do you think you broke?” And because he’s the kind of person that hides keys in his words, something unlocked inside of me and I answered with a sudden clarity, “Because I really wanted to experience life from this place of feeling unmended and messy. I wanted to find my way back home through the dark forest. I wanted to be initiated by grief and learn what it means to truly surrender. I wanted to soften my heart through the pain of repeated loss. I wanted an expanded life and knew this was the only way to get there.” It was a perfectly timed and lovingly-formulated question to lift me out of my self-pitying haze and into the liberating lens of self-ownership.
And just like that, I’m out of the well.
Or at least I’m sitting on the edge of it, toes dipped in, reflecting on the journey I’ve made to get here, enjoying this changed, more tender Self. There’s joy here, and trust… and a sweet contentment that I don’t have to do anything to achieve - it’s simply here for the taking.
After sharing a bit of this with a dear sister of mine she texted back:
“Joy in the darkness is freedom”
and I felt that in my whole body.
It is from this tender, broken-open-to-reveal-the-joyous-trusting-in-the-dark place that I approach my work as a counselor. “Work” feels too small a word to encapsulate the honor and fulfillment I feel in being in service to my clients’ journeys. And “counselor” is another one of these limited titles that doesn’t quite capture the depth of my offering, especially for someone who is driven not only transcend titles and limitations, but also to continually expand my capacity to be in service. But I hope that through these newsletters and my shares on ig you’re able to gather a sense of the space I hold for healing.
Thank you to the clients from around the world that continue to sit with me on the edge of the well (or from deep inside it), willing to touch those waters of heartache, longing, loss and grief. It is a privilege to receive your trust and vulnerability, and to lovingly formulate the questions that help you return home to yourself.
And now for some treats! Here is a collection of the books, podcasts and music I’ve been enjoying lately.
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CURRENTLY ON MY NIGHTSTAND…
These books have been my dear companions for the past months. I’ve gotten so much comfort and inspiration from the wisdom and beauty found in these pages. If you follow me on instagram you will recognize these authors as I have shared their words many times.
PODCASTS I LOVED RECENTLY…
Grief and Praise by Martín Prechtel - Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 **A must listen for anyone struggling with grief, sadness, loss or depression.
What Femininity Wants with John Wineland on the Mark Groves podcast
The True Hard Work of Love and Relationships - Alain de Botton on On Being
Creating Inner Peace in a Chaotic World with Kaylor Betts on the Mark Groves podcast
FRESH NEW PLAYLISTS FOR YOUR LISTENING PLEASURE
As many of you know, making and sharing playlists is a pleasure of mine.
Here are some new ones that fit the season…
Naked brunch (is the best brunch)
we have these lovely tunes on repeat on the weekends
romancing the self
nostalgia and self-directed romance
❦ Honeywater ❦
summery, coastal
🌊 the relentless tide 🐚
mellow, instrumental, beachy
That’s all I’ve got for you for now. Stay tuned for more written musings, recommendations and updates in the upcoming months. Want to receive posts like these in your inbox? Sign up for my newsletter below.
Be gentle with yourselves out there.
This life is a gorgeous, fragile thing.
Sending love from the beautiful Yuba River here in Nevada City, California
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“The night will pass…
Then we have work to do…
Everything has to do
With loving and not loving…”
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