We all have our ways of avoiding the discomfort and pain of life - its not an easy task to feel it all. On the surface it appears that avoiding the discomfort of feeling our feelings is a reasonable solution because the alternative is just too scary. “I don’t think I could survive this pain.” But then the cost of prolonged avoidance is a high one - it robs us of the color in our lives, it prevents us from drinking from the well of joy, it keeps us numb and unable to taste the sweetness of intimacy in relationships.
I know this from experience. I used to be really skilled at suppressing emotions, keeping all my relationships under tight control, not having tolerance for things that fell short of my expectations, justifying how I just have too much to do to stop and feel. These were all protection mechanisms I put in place long ago so that I could get away with not feeling sadness or pain - two things that are very much necessary ingredients for life.
But this past year delivered a mega upgrade to that outdated program. Life gave me a handful of off-the-richter-scale experiences that made it impossible not to shatter into a million pieces. None of my protection mechanisms survived the repeated blasts. Exposed to the raw edges of life without any protection and with no end in sight to my grief, I found that I survived. I let it all through me and I survived. I moved when the feelings said move and I survived. My heart ached more intensely than I’ve ever experienced and I survived.
On the quiet mornings after a particularly big storm would pass, I would take look at myself in the mirror and fall in love with the force of nature before me. I saw someone made more beautiful by the grief she endured, by the pain she passed through, by the trials she overcame. I saw someone with more depth, less armor, someone more available for life, for her relationships, someone that isn’t ruled by her fear of feelings anymore. I was delivered back to myself after each storm, more whole and alive.
“A wound not fully felt consumes from the inside. We must run very hard if we want to stay one step ahead of this pain. Exhausted, we try to bury it with drugs, alcohol, overwork, television, physical activity. We are a very creative species—we can use just about anything to anesthetize ourselves. But in doing so, we also remove ourselves from feeling the joy. Life becomes less, and if we are even slightly numb, it is hard for us to find the wisdom we need in our lives and our world.”
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